are things complicated yet?

Let's sort through the contents of my order from Gap, shall we?

I really love my UPS man.  He's so nice and kind and SUPER efficient.  He always stops by my house on his way back to the facility to see if we're home when there's a signature required.  (Those packages are always a case of wine and, well, I think he understands that we'd like to have that in our hot little hands as soon as possible.)

Today Kevin (yeah, I know his name), dropped off the best box of fun ever.  It is a Big Box Of Banana Republic Fun!

Let's take inventory, shall we?

(Oh, wait.  Something you should know about me is that I habitually order several hundred dollars worth of clothes online and then only keep a fraction of it.  I actually visit the stores in person to decide what I am going to order ONLINE so I can try it on at home without a certain wiggly, whiny someone getting int he way of me making a good purchasing decision.  Lame?  Certainly.  But it works for me.)

(Also, I got 25% off the whole order because of some promo they were running so I was in a "the more the merrier" sort of mood.)

So.  Let's delve into the box, shall we?

***

Supersoft layering v-neck T, Color: true black

$19.50

Supersoft layering v-neck T, Color: new navy
$19.50

So, I got these shirts in navy and black with the intent of wearing them a lot after work and on the weekends.  I really love a good v-neck, it flatters my particular body type and I hate high crew necks because I always feel like I'm choking.  Plus, with 25% off they were like $14

Sailor pencil skirt

Color: true black

$49.50

I hated this skirt for unspecified reasons.  Also?  Too expensive for a dumb black skirt.  RETURN!

Knit pants

Color: red

Unit price: $12.50 $4.99

Dudes!  I love slash-through pricing on my invoice!  Look at all that cash I saved.  And, in case you didn't figure it out, these are pants for CLAIRE, not me.

 

Little pocket T

Color: strawberry

Unit price: $19.50 $9.99

For $10?  I LOVE THIS SHIRT.  It's soft, the sleeves go to mid-palm, (which I love in the winter) and it's such a bright fun color.  And also?  It looks great under this dress:

Double-knit pleated dress

Color: true black knit

Unit price: $59.50

Now, truthfully?  This dress is no great find.  It's just a stupid, black, shapeless dress that you can wear on your fattest of fat days and still be all, "But hey!  I'm wearing a dress to work so that's better than pajamas!"  Because of the empire waist, I could probably even wear this pregnant until about month 7.  So yeah, it's not that flattering.  But I have decided that dresses are my New Work Thing so I'm actively trying to find some that are simple, easy to accessorize, comfortable, non dry-clean-only and less than $100.  This fits the bill.  Sold.

Quilted barn jacket

Color light english rose

Unit price $34.50

I wanted to keep Claire warm this winter.  This is the jacket I picked.  Like the reviews on the site though, it's kind of smallish.  Will be exchanging for the next size up.  Cute coat though and after the coupon it was just as much as the ones at Target that I didn't think were nearly as cute.  I mean, this one has polka dots.  POLKA DOTS.  I cannot say no to those.

Origami sheath dress

Color Black

Unit price $142.00 $89.99

Again with the dresses for work thing.  I'm pretty short-waisted, so this dress didn't fit me correctly.  There was about 3" too much dress in the waist and it looked rather frump.  On a 3" taller person though, this dress would be super cute. RETURN!

Lightweight wool sheath dress

ColorTaupe heather

Unit price $152.00 

I knew this was more than I wanted to pay for a dress, but I just thought it was so cute on the model.  (Note to self:  YOU ARE NOT A MODEL.)  I even looked for it in-store to try on so I could avoid ordering a $152 dress.  But my local Banana was out of them, which made me think that maybe it might be a totally awesome dress since it was all sold out.  It's not.  The pleats are all retarded and look stupid.  RETURN!

Long-sleeve turtleneck sweater

Color Black

Unit price $59.50

They had this sweater under the dress above and really it was SO cute.  So I tried it.  And it looked stupid on me.  And this sweater is soft and nice but it hits me on the hip weird and makes me look fat so, no.  RETURN!

Eliza slouch high-heel boot

Color Black suede

Unit price $198

I only ordered these boots because after I was in San Francisco this summer and I saw EVERYONE wearing sassy boots I decided that I was woefully behind the times and I needed some sassy boots.  I also hate department stores, don't have time to drive 30 minutes to one and back to try on boots so I figured I needed to order SOME boots to try on and at least see if this was a trend I was interested in.

I AM INTERESTED.  I love these boots.  They have a too-high heel, the suede is totally impractical, they cost too much ($150 after my coupon...but still), you can't wear them in the rain, blah, blah, a thousand reasons to return them and....I can't.  I'm keeping them.  This is my splurge purchase of the season after a year and a half of not buying anything except maternity clothes, cheapie post-partum clothes I hated and pajamas. I'm keeping the damn boots.

I know I could probably find them elsewhere, at better quality for maybe the same price or less.  But, to be honest, I don't have time for that.  If I shopped around I'd be without boots until February.  That wouldn't be any fun.

***

Thus concludes the adventure with Banana Republic and Gap today.  Where are YOU shopping lately? Any finds?  I am discovering that I hate a lot of what's for sale this season, which is frustrating when I DO find ten minutes to dart into a store on my own.

I taped diapers to my dining room table and then wrote about it. I need a hobby.

You've noticed all the cutting back at the grocery store right?  No, I don't mean YOU cutting back.  I mean the suits who make the things we buy.  There's a conference room somewhere in America where they are rubbing their hands together with glee and saying something like,

"Oh, Suzie Housewife will NEVER NOTICE if we make the box 3 ounces smaller and keep the price the same!  If we do this we'll make enough to hand out bonuses this year!  I know you were thinking about putting in a pool Clark."

Yes, it's the oldest retailing trick in the book: things keep getting ever so teeny-tinier so you don't really notice when you're at the store, but they stay the same price.  It's a price increase on the sly and it's so annoying!  

A few weeks ago I was changing Claire and I opened a new box of diapers.  I noticed that they felt a little...different.  But since I had a squalling child writhing around, in imminent danger of Toes In Poop, I didn't really pay much more attention.  I changed her and sent her off running towards her next adventure.

The next time I changed her I noticed the diapers were weird again.  I checked the remainder and they were ALL thinner, papery-er and not a soft as I'd remembered.  Because I am stupid I thought I had a bad box.  Like, "Oh no!  There's been a mistake at the factory!"

I continued to think that as I used up the box.  Bad box, factory error, whatever.  But the next box was all screwed up too.  And the next one!  I was flummoxed.  My mind set to wandering.

How did I get so many bad boxes of Pampers Cruisers Size 4?  I mean, I've been buying Pampers since day one and I've never had a bad box before.  Maybe my Wal-Mart got ALL of the bad boxes from that day?  That would be so weird.  I should Google that and see if they'd had a factory mistake in the south or...WHOA, WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE.  I'VE BEEN HORNSWAGGLED.

I walked directly to a diaper bag I hardly ever use and plucked a diaper out of it.  A diaper that had been purchased weeks ago.  And dudes, it was completely different.

EXHIBIT A

New diaper on the left, old on the right.  They look the same right?  That is, to the uneducated eye.

EXHIBIT B

Let's open these dipes up.  The new one looks similar to the old one, on the right.  But they're not the same!  NO! NOOOOOOOOO!

Look at Old Diaper - see how the absorbent strip ceases about 2/3 of the way up?  Where all those convenient, angry red circles are?  Yes, that's where the absorbent part ceases and the thin, ridiculous layer of mere PAPER begins.  I know these are, at their core, paper products, but I didn't really mean to purchase JUST paper.  Paper will not do the job!

Proctor and Gamble: I AM NOT PAYING FOR PLAIN OLD PAPER, OKAY?

EXHIBIT C, THE OLD, AWESOME DIAPER, IN MACRO LENS DETAIL

Look at how pillowy it is.  It's so soft and fluffy.  And...quilted!  I don't know what that does but the toilet paper people seem to talk about it a lot so it must desirable.

EXHIBIT D THE NEW, CRAPPY DIAPER (HA, I MADE A FUNNY!) IN MACRO LENS DETAIL 

Look at this!  You can SEE THROUGH THE DAMN THING in the back.  Hi Grover!  It looks like printer paper in there.  There is a total lack of soft fluffiness, plus the part about the whole section of diaper functioning material that is AWOL.

This is a KEY DIAPER FUNCTIONING AREA, if you know what I'm saying.  It is ALARMING to look at this photo and think of the near-disasters.

EXHIBIT E (WHERE I START USING MATH AND GET SOME SERIOUS EVIDENCE TOGETHER)

So, at this point I did what any normal, sane, pissed-off Mom would do.  I opened the diapers, got out some packing tape and taped them to my dining room table so I could measure them side-by-side.  And, LO.  There is a stunning SIX INCHES of absorbent material missing from the new version.  (I rounded up.)

I was very scientific when measuring, as you can see below.

Obviously, Proctor and Gamble have switched up how they make Pampers Cruisers, and it looks pretty clear that it's a cheaper way to make them at the consumer's expense.  I'm still paying about $20 for a box of the stupid things so I am definitely feeling tricked, cheated, duped, etc. 

While we have not had any incidents with the new dipes I'm definitely annoyed.  It's just so devious of them.  Now would certainly be a good time to switch to cloth, and yet...Oh Lord that sounds like a lot of work and toting around of dirty diapers every day.

Has anyone else noticed products getting smaller/lower quality on the sneak?  I'd be interested to see what I haven't noticed.

Updated 10/20

I've decided that we're going to switch to Costco Diapers.  I also messaged Pampers on Twitter with a link to this post and (OF COURSE) they have said nothing.  They don't care.  I mean, I already bought a freaking YEARS worth of dipes from them already.  So, so, so annoying.

I always feel like I'm playing catch up, and I don't often feel like I'm winning

I do this more often than I'd like to admit.  I sit for days and days with bits of words and clever phrases rolling about in my brain and I don't actually manage to find the time to sit and write them out. 

Or, as happened this time, in my latest two week hiatus from ye olde blog, I had an occasion to mark with a post and I felt guilty for putting something else up before The Important and Sappy Occasion Post and, well, two weeks later...oops.

So, first things first, The Occasion!  Of course, Claire turned one year old on the eighth.  ONE YEAR OLD PEOPLE.  I am a terrible mother because I did not write a speshal birthday post or make a speshal birthday video or even throw her a birthday party.  Martha Stewart would obvs think I am a terrible mom. 

No matter though, life keeps rolling and she is one year old.  She walks, she points, she whines.  She eats cheese and drinks from her cup and goes to bed at 630.  She smiles and laughs and shows me her belly button, her nose and her eye.  She loves her swing, pink ball, the dog, walks, Cheerios in a snack cup and snuggling with me in bed in the mornings.

She hold her palms up and makes a confused face when she's lost something, she feeds the dog from her high chair and I've seen her break out into a wobbly run on more than one occasion.  She hugs us with force now, wrapping her arms tightly around our necks and squeeeeezing like she means it.  On those occasions, it is tough to mop up my heart when it melts so quickly.

She is 22 pounds, 29 inches long.  Her pediatrician pronounced her perfect and, well, I AGREE.  She hasn't touched a bottle in two months and sometime in the past 40 days I gave up the title of Nursing Mother because Claire had more interesting things to do.  To all the websites that say babies never wean before one year?  YOU ARE LYING, STOP MAKING WOMEN FEEL BAD ABOUT THEMSELVES. 

It was really silly there, at the end.  I kept offering (the nutrition!  the antibodies!  the internet told me toooooooo!) and it was like I was fighting with a cat in my lap.  She was just...distracted, not interested and kept shoving her fingers up my nose and giggling.  At some point I saw what we must have looked like and the light bulb went off: she's done.  So, that was that.

We gave her a cupcake and she hated it.  HATED IT.  It was so odd really.  I had been looking forward to her first meeting with sugar and butter and she just...didn't care for it.  Oh, all right, she cried.

We had a cake and some family over that weekend (which, I SUPPOSE could be called a birthday party, but there were no crafts so, in my book, no party).  Same thing there - she hated the cake and icing.  In fact, the only interesting part of the cake event was when she tried to grab THE LIGHTED CANDLE.  THE ONE WITH FIRE ON IT.  And, dudes, I am one on-the-spot Mommy because I whiffed that candle out in like, a second while everyone else in the room went, "Oh!  Oh no!"

WHIFF.

Evidence of the further dislike of cake and buttercream icing (every time I type it, I still can't believe it).

On to other topics!

Oh wait, I don't have time for other topics.  Because, like I said, I never have any time.  Right now Chris is hungry and sitting quietly for me to finish so he can freaking eat dinner already.  And then we are going to watch The Amazing Race on the homemade Tivo.  In other words, it's time for me to close the MacBook so I can go live my life already.

SIGH.  Real Life.  It's always getting in the way of my internet one.

I'd like you to meet my Super Smart Scientist Friends, Holly and Jenni. Today's topic: Influenza Vaccines!

Today we will be talking to my two smartest friends, Holly and Jenni.

Holly is a super smart scientist with a BA in Biology/Chemistry and an MS in Cell, Molecular and Developmental Biology.  She is working on a targeted influenza vaccine: ideally, anything that invades the body could be better "fought" if the immune response was prepared correctly at the point of entry.  (At least, that's what I pasted from her email.  I had to read it a few times to get the gist.)

I think that also means she enjoyed dissecting the frog in biology class in ninth grade.  Also, it looks like Holly enjoys homework because DAMN THAT IS A LOT OF SCHOOL.

Jenni is ALSO a super smart scientist with a Ph. D. in Genetics and Veterinary Pathology.  She works for St Jude in Memphis and runs a lab that studies secondary bacterial infections that are a result of influenza.  She enjoys Punnett Square drinking games.

(Just kidding, Jenni enjoys good old-fashioned beer pong as much as the rest of us do.  She's not THAT nerdy.)

(Also, wow, there is no way I could ever go back to school for as long as you two did.  You are awesome.)

Together, they form my Super Smart Scientist Friends and they will forever and always be on-call for all of my influenza related questions. 

Today they're providing me with anecdotal advice that is intended for my personal use as close friends who are giving me their opinion based on the aforementioned decades in school and years of professional work "in the field."  (Is that what they call it when you have to get federal clearance to work with certain viruses?) I'm sharing it with you because I think it's interesting.

This is not intended to give you information to make important medical decisions.  You should always talk to your doctor about those.  (Bloggers make very poor doctors.)

***

Holly, you're pregnant!  Congratulations!  Your kid is going to be so freaking SMART.  So, you are totally not going to get that weird H1N1 vaccine, are you?  I mean, it's all new and strange and unfamiliar and not tested on pregnant ladies.  Sounds risky, right?

I am definitely getting the H1N1 flu vaccine.  I've had seasonal flu vaccines before, with no ill effects, and because I am pregnant, I can help protect the baby with my vaccination and also by BF'ing afterwards.  The baby will be born at the end of February, right when the flu could be serious business, and we may be unable to get the vaccine at that point.

Hmm.  Really?  But it's....new.  And untested.  Doesn't that freak you out?  I mean, I have heard STORIES about vaccines.  Stories on THE INTERNET.

They prepare it the same way as they do the seasonal vaccine - it's a dead bit of the virus, so if anything, it just might not work effectively. There is always the risk of Guillen-Barre Syndrome, but you could get that with any flu vaccine.

That's what a lot of the hoopla is about; back in the 70's with the "first swine flu" this was associated with the vaccine. People are concerned it would happen again. But, it's always a risk. Basically, if your immune system is primed in a unique way, it could rebel against you. You can't do anything to stop it.  Other things can trigger that response too, so it's not a unique risk to the vaccine.

But Holly.  Seriously, they whipped this up faster than a box of brownies.  That just seems...weird.  What if they totally screwed it up?

You're probably worrying a bit much if your concerns are that they "prepared this too fast."  If they had known about H1N1 back in February or March, they would have included it in with the regular seasonal flu vaccine anyway. (I'm not sure if people would have felt better about it in that situation or not though.) The seasonal flu vaccine has the "top picks" of the season in it; several strains (I can't remember how many) all in one go. The H1N1 vaccine will just have the one.

Jenni, what do you think?  I've seen you work with those test tubes and giant droppers with petri dishes.  I know you mean business when you boss around your research underlings.  What's the word at St Jude?

I highly advise all of you getting both flu shots.  If you're worried about giving the H1N1 vaccine to Claire, at a minimum you and Chris should get it to help keep from passing it on to Claire.

The last time a swine flu circulated and was included in the vaccine formula was 1976.  With the new H1N1 strains circulating, our age group has the highest mortality rate, likely because we weren't around for exposure back than and don't have any immunity to it.

The CDC has a really great website that is updated weekly.  That is the website we use to follow the epidemiology for this flu season, and you don't have to be a scientist to understand it. 

http://www.cdc.gov/flu/weekly/fluactivity.htm

You should all also get the pneumococcal vaccine.  I got mine last month, it made my arm really sore for a couple of days, but no other side effects for me.  I didn't run a fever from this year's seasonal flu shot either, and I usually do.

I don't know a ton about the H1N1 vaccine production, but it should be made just as the seasonal flu vaccine.  I know that the swine isolates don't grow well in eggs (which is the traditional method for producing vaccine strains), so it may have been grown differently, but shouldn't be a big deal. 

I am actually impressed with how quickly they are getting this vaccine out.  Sanofi-Aventis shipped their first batches yesterday.

Um, ok.  Got it.  You both think we should all get seasonal flu shots and at a minimum Chris and I get the H1N1 vaccine.  You think it's safe and the benefit outweighs the risk.  Point being that even if we don't give the H1N1 vaccine to her, we can provide a sort of "mini-herd" protection to Claire and not bring H1N1 home from work.

So, guys, what should I worry about then?  Because I'm feeling like I need to worry about something.

Jenni:  Just constantly wash your hands anytime you're out of the house and as soon as you get home!  And I mean wash them: with warm water and for at least 30 seconds.  Take the time to wash your hands before you eat and try not to rub your eyes or stick your fingers in your mouth!!

Holly: You're absolutely right about secondary infections being the real concern. Remember that is also takes 2 weeks for the vaccine to "kick in" for full protection.

And any nasal-spray "flu-mist" should be avoided - it's just weakened live vaccine, pretty much guaranteed to make you at least a little sick.

I've already had my seasonal flu shot (beginning of Sept), and managed to avoid catching whatever my husband brought home from his dirty high schoolers. He was out for a solid weekend. Stuff is already flying all around So Cal. 

Dude, I bet high schoolers aren't any dirtier than kids at daycare.

You'd be surprised.

Any other thoughts, Super Smart Scientist Friends?

What irritates me the most is that I feel we shouldn't even have to worry about vaccinating very young children for flu.  If adults were more responsible and got vaccinated themselves we could provide a better herd immunity and shield the little ones that way.

Instead, you worry about all the idiots who go to work sick, out in public sick, whatever, exposing the vulnerable ones.

Agree Holly.  Totally agree.  Sick adults who traipse into the office and grocery store as if they are soooo important they can't be bothered to stay home and keep their germs to themselves are complete morons.

***

This concludes today's interview with Super Smart Scientist Friends.  If you have additional questions for SSSF please leave them in the comments and I'm sure they'd be happy to weigh in.

What's my take after talking to my smarty-pants buddies?  My entire family will get seasonal flu vaccines next week as planned.  At the very least Chris and I will get the H1N1 vaccine.  I feel pretty solid that it's safe and not a wacky last-minute effort that might accidentally have antifreeze in it. 

I'm going to talk next week to our pediatrician about giving it to Claire, but my gut is leaning towards giving it to her.

I don't want to get sick.  I don't want my family to get sick.  Even though I know we could still all get the flu, I think the benefit outweighs the potential risk for us.

Dear Jenni, please be really, really, really awesome at your new job in Memphis

After we located the liquid Tamiflu and began giving it to her, Claire proceeded to go insane.  As in, BATSHIT CRAZY, even for a nearly-one-year-old.

She was unreasonably fussy, threw tantrums at the drop of a hat and one after the other, had the attention span of a goldfish and walked in small circles around the room while making a high pitched whiny/distressed sounding noise.  She had incredible separation anxiety: if I walked across the room she flipped out.  She refused to take a bath.  (She looooooves the bath.)  She barely ate.  She didn't go to bed until 2 hours past her bedtime and it was a grand and mighty fight when she finally hit the rack.  Her care providers made a specific comment about how crazy she had behaved on Monday.

I know that all of this could be described as typical toddler behavior but she was just weird and not herself.  The change was sudden and dramatic.  I found myself wondering this morning, as she threw a gigantic fit about something really stupid, that this is what parents of kids who have reactions to vaccines must feel like.  Where was my darling, happy daughter?  Was she going to come back?  And, more importantly, what the hell happened here?

The answer was pretty obvious: Tamiflu.  Dr. H had specifically warned me that some kids have very severe behavioral reactions to it.  After 4 days on the medication, we stopped giving it to her.  Today she was happy as a butterfly, smiled oodles, waved to everyone at Wal-Mart and went to bed by 7. 

Weird.  And scary.

So, we're just sort of hoping that she doesn't have a flu virus incubating in her body since we're no longer prophylacting her.  It also turns out that a child didn't even have the flu - it was one of her care providers!  It's an airborne virus, easily transmitted through a sneeze or cough, but the fact that it wasn't one of the people who LICKS things that Claire then decides to lick, well, it made me feel like her chances of getting it are at least a LITTLE bit more remote.

However, there's obviously the problem that it's only September and there are months and months of cough, cold, flu and generic crud ahead of us.  She's going to get sick and then I'll get sick and it will suck.  I'm prepared for that eventuality.

We will all be getting flu shots next week.  I haven't decided yet if we're going to get H1N1 vaccines though.  I have yet to do the research on what exactly is in it and how I feel about the cost/benefit of something that is so new.  Generally, I'm a bit distrustful.

What rattles me to the core is 14-year-old Chloe Lindsey who died over the weekend from complications related to Swine Flu.  Chloe attended the same middle school in Ft Worth that my mother did and we regularly drive by it when we visit my grandparents.  She got sick on Wednesday and died on Sunday.  it is heart-breaking and so close to home.

You can bet your ass that if Claire has anything that resembles a sniffly nose we are high-tailing it to Dr H this winter.  With a cycle that could run so fast, single days count. 

Obviously, the media are hyping this up a bit.  The total number of forecast and historic flu deaths pales in comparison to more ordinarily tragic deaths that happen year-round.  They say her chances of being seriously impaired as a result of flu are remote.

And yet, I can't help but be hyper-aware that Claire is still so young and fragile.  She's not even going to be 18 months old by the time spring comes around.  She had bronchiolitis as a 7-month-old and this puts her at increased risk for future respiratory problems.  It's not the actual flu that kills most people; it's secondary bacterial infections like pneumonia that don't respond to antibiotic therapy.  This is what killed Chloe Lindsey over the course of 5 measly days.

I'm not scared of Claire getting the flu.  I'm scared of it morphing so quickly into something we can no longer treat.  That scares the shit out of me.

My very good friend Jenni happens to be a post-doc research associate at St Jude in Memphis and she is privileged enough to be studying this very topic: secondary bacterial infections as a result of influenza.  I know that she's smart (like, really, ridiculously smart) and practical and she'll tell it to me like it is if I called her to ask her what I should really spend my time worrying about.

But, for some reason, I can't find the courage to dial her this week.  I can't decide if she'll make me feel better or worse.

***

Edited to add that apparantly I have more smart friends than I realized!  My friend Holly studies influenza vaccines at a lab in California!  I have demanded that she tell me everything she knows and I will report back.

I totally wanted to deal with illness and stupid people while I am on my Girl's Weekend. TOTALLY.

Yesterday I arrived in sunny California for The Blathering.  It wasn't a stressful travel day, but it was long.  I left the house at 6 am, flew stand by to get on the earlier flight, arrived in Sacramento by noon and I was in my sedan on the way to Napa by 1230. 

I was feeling pretty efficient about the whole morning.  When I was finally in the car I took this big breath and relaxed and said, "Self, now it is time to start having FUN!"

Chris called, and while I updated him on my whereabouts I suddenly heard the baby yammering in the background.  Wait, wha?  The baby?  It's only, um, 230 in Texas and the baby doesn't usually get picked up until 330...why is the baby with you?

"Oh, um, well, the girls at daycare called and said that someone in her room had a confirmed case of H1N1 so I thoguht I should go pick her up and keep her home."

WHAT?

Claire had just been to the doctor the day before.  She was coughing, had a snotty nose and they located the source of her extreme fussiness as an ear infection.  She was not and had not been running a fever.  I was pretty sure she didn't have the flu, but what?  Now someone DOES?

I asked Chris to tell me PRECISELY what the girls at the daycare had told him.  He repeated himself and I was suddenly full of suspicions.

You see, I knew that hardly anyone is actually being tested specifically for H1N1 because the volume of potential cases is, at this point, overwhelming.  I suspected that it was actually PRESUMED swine flu and that either this parent was misinformed or the daycare workers had heard a phrase and jumped to a conclusion.

Add this to the fact that I knew, I JUST KNEW, that the director wasn't the kind of lady who makes plans in case of contagious illness.  I have asked her before what herplan is in case of a large outbreak and she always gives me this highly annoying rainbows and ponies canned answer.

"Oh, we plan to keep parents informed and just try to keep everything really clean and wash hands often."

This kind of "yay, hand sanitizer!" answer infuriates me because it totally ignroes the fact that young children and more specifically, MY CHILD WHO IS STILL CONSIDERED AN INFANT, are among the most at-risk for complications and death. 

I hadn't pressed her on it more because I hadn't yet figured out what I wanted her to do - but it was on my list to research a bit more when I got home.

So now I am sitting in the car, a frillion miles from my family, my baby is already sick and now there is some nutter parent who is using medical buzzwords to scare the crap out of people.  Greaaaaaat.

I call our pediatricion, who is so completely awesome.  I speak to her nurse.  The nurse says that it's pretty much impossible for this kid to have a confirmed case of swine flu because the state isn't accepting cultures for testing.  Rather, what they are doing is testing for Influenza A and B.

If you test positive for B then you have seasonal flu.  Go to bed.  But if you test positive for A then you MIGHT have swine flu.  Or it might be seasonal flu.  Type A just puts you in the "maybe it's H1N1" category and gives your doctor a little more information to treat you.

So I call the director back and I explain this.  This child cannot possibly have a "confirmed case of swine flu" unless his Dad works for the freaking CDC.  So this parent is mis-informed or has a quack doctor or you guys are making shit up. I get more canned happy.

"Oh, Mrs. Stevens, we are doing everything we can to clean that room.  It's probably the cleanest room we have today!  And yes, all I can tell is what we were told, that the child has swine flu and I mean, uh, I assume that this means it is confirmed by someone.  Because the parent told us that: confirmed case of swine flu."

I tell her that if she is assuming anything that is not appropriate.  She needs to call that child's parent immediately and get more information.  She's reluctant to do this.  I explain that what I am lacking is RELIABLE INFORMATION.  I explain that this is really quite serious and for my daughter's age group the consequences of not knowing precisely what she's been exposed to could prove to be fatal. 

This parent doesn't know what she's talking about and you need to call her and bring her up-to-date on current protocol for influenza so you can keep the other children safe. I can't properly treat MY child unless I know exactly what she's been exposed to.  This information is very important and has far-reaching impact beyond sending kids home today and ordering more hand sanitizer.

I am completely exasperated that this women hasn't done a whit of research on the virus and current CDC guidelines/standards for age groups that she is responsible for.  She wraps up with a weak, "Well I also have a call into our licensing board to see what they think we should do."  Clearly, this woman is ill-prepared for both swine flu and a demanding parent like me.

40 minutes later she says that the child did test positive for Type A and it is PRESUMED swine flu.  Ha.  I told you so, bitches.

I call Dr. H and relay this key information. She says that since Claire has been in close contact (in the same room) with a child who has tested positive for Influenza A, because Claire is so young, still an infant really, she would strongly consider putting her on a prophylactic dose of Tamiflu.  Tamiflu isn't approved for children under one year of age but Dr. H says that she knows I'm a smart mom who wants a lot of information, and she wants to go over all of our options and the rationale for each.  I appreciate this a great deal.

Since Claire is 2 weeks from being one year old, she's confortable giving her the medication.  It can make some kids act really weird and we'll have to watch her closely to make sure she doesn't develop any symptoms anyway (fever, chest congestion, reduced fluid intake all mean she needs to be seen immediately).  But, in the end, I'm with Dr. H. 

We find a pharmacy who can dispense it in liquid format and she'll be on that for the next 10 days.  I'll be out here in California for most of it so Chris will be watching her like a hawk.

I miss my baby.

13 things you should know about me if you're getting ready for Sacramento

1.  I am a Procrastinating Packer.  I have a half-packed suitcase, one load of laundry in the dryer and another in the washer.  Both are only being washed because I found a SINGLE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING I wanted to bring with me.  Of course, I located the articles about an hour apart, thus necessitating two entire loads of laundry for a measly two garments.

I made a list of what to wear.  It is divided out by day and event and includes accessories.

Even after all this effort, I will very likely proceed to wear the same three things over and over again for 5 days.  Please pretend you do not notice.

2.  I am not bringing a bathing suit.

3.  I would maybe like to spend some time, um, shopping on Saturday?  This is so lame, I KNOW, but hear me out.  I never, ever have time to leisurely browse the stores with my girlfriends these days.  It's always a hurried rush to get in/get out so I can get back to my responsibilities like When Is Dinner and Who Is Picking The Baby Up and I Should Probably Spend Time With That Dude I Share A Bed With.

I want to browse.  I want to buy coffee and sit and chat.  I want to try on the spangly dress that I will never, ever be invited to anywhere cool enough to wear it.  I want to take pictures in the dressing room of stupid clothes and put them on the internet.

Normally, I haaaaaaaaate people who walk by Banana Republic on vacation and want to go inside.  HELLO WE HAVE BANANA AT HOME.  And guess what?  They have the same clothes in that one as the one at home.  Usually I think shopping on vacation is a huge waste of time.  But this trip?  If someone wants to cruise the shops for a little while I am totally game. 

4.  I can't wait to play the HGTV drinking game.  Since I don't have cable I have really been building this one up.  If we end up not playing it I will be really sad.

5.  Our wine sponsor Natalie is the bestest, coolest, most fun girl without a blog ever.  I have been telling her for YEARS to Get Thee A Blog.  Alas, she will not listen.  I went to college with her and here is one of my favorite pictures of us. We are about to go see Willie Nelson play in a pasture in a tiny town called Snook.  Because that's what girls do in Texas on the weekends.

6.  I'm not Catholic.  But I think all or most of you maybe are?  So, just prep me if we plan on any group prayers because I will totally mess it up at the end and say the doxology kind of loud while everyone else is quiet, and maybe everyone will look directly at me when I say it because I'm the only one talking during quiet time and then I will be MAJOR embarrassed.  Because dude, I just ruined the prayer.

Something like this MIGHT have happened when I accompanied a Catholic roommate to church once in college.  And I might have never gone back with her until she got married 8 years later and I was in the wedding.  The end.

7.  My husband will be taking Claire on their first SOLO road trip while I am away.  I will be calling/texting him frequently because, well, I will miss them.  Also, I will want the A&M football score just like Jennie and he will be at the game.  (So, no worries Jennie, I have the hook-up for us.)

8.  Claire has an ear infection.  So, not only am I leaving my husband on his own for the weekend, he's going on a road trip and the baby is sick. I was feeling pretty guilty about this earlier today until I remembered that wheeeeee! I can take a legit PURSE on my trip.  One that doesn't have any diapers in it!  WOW! 

9.  It's 11 pm and the red battery thing is flashing at me and I STILL have not finished packing.  We're leaving at 6 am tomorrow because I am trying to fly stand by so....you only get 9 things.  See you all soon!!

Welcome to Procrastination Station, where everything sucks and it's easy to feel bad about yourself!

1.  Right now, I am stressing out about a rental car.  A stupid rental car.  See, I am flying in on Wednesday to Sacramento and I need to figure out how to get myself to St. Helena that afternoon.  That's it!  A measly 47 miles!  It's proving much more difficult than I thought, especially since I waited until the last minute.

Nobody wants to rent me a car one-way and all of the car service companies I can find won't go to Napa.  So then I'm left with renting a car that I don't need for the whole weekend at a cost of about $250.  I mean, I would definitely USE the car but it's just that it's superfluous and annoying.  I even looked at taking the bus, but Greyhound doesn't go to Napa either.

So, I don't know what I'm going to do but it's pissing me off since I waited so long to deal with it.  I will probably rent the stupid car for the week and then make everyone ride with me because HI! I HAVE A CAR!  And then I will return it with a lot of trash in it, because I'm MAD.  Maybe I should just rent a bicycle.  You know, if they'll let me.

2.  I'm not ready to leave on my trip yet.  Wait, did you know I'm going on a trip.  YES!  A TRIP!  I have been meaning to post the cute little sunshine badge over on the right for months and months but people, I am lucky to get clean underwear on every day and posting that badge was at the bottom of my list.

Anyway, going to Sacramento and Napa and San Francisco!  Hanging out with my awesome college friend Natalie and my Bloggy Friends!  Going to posh wine parties and hanging out with the ladies!  WOOOO!  Very excited!

3.  So, back to my pre-trip freak out.  I'm running out of time to prepare.  This trip has completely snuck up on me.  There is a mountain of laundry.  And I wanted to buy sassy new jeans.  And I have to buy my cutesy little presents for everyone so they will think I'm gracious.  I have not wardrobe planned.  (What does one wear to a posh wine party, anyway?  Probably something I don't own.)  I haven't decided if I will check my bag or carry on.  I am out of Key Makeup Items and I don't have time to order them online and I definitely don't want to go to the mall tomorrow.  I will probably wake up tomorrow with ten giant zits.  SUCH IS MY LUCK.

4.  Claire is sick.  Chris is sick.  And I'm leaving on Wednesday for the weekend.  I know that he will be able to handle whatever happens but I feel badly leaving my husband to fend for himself with a sick kid.  It seems...cruel.

5.  There is a football game in two weeks that I am supposed to find a baby sitter for and, um, I have not done that yet.  It's the A&M vs Arkansas game at Jerry World and it's kind of a big deal in the sense that the tickets cost too much to bail on and I'm interested to check out the stadium.  Claire obvs will not be attending, but everyone else in my family wants to (which strikes a lot of my potential sitters) and I need to locate a sitter who is not my mother.  I will be calling Candice in the morning and praying she is available, but this is just one of the many, many, many things I have procrastinated on this month.

6.  My daughter is turning one year old in 2 weeks and I have done exactly NOTHING to plan her a birthday party.  I want to have a really big, fun party but I have yet to realize that yo, A'Dell, that shit don't plan itself.  So, um, 2 weeks.  Yeah.  I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about that. It's hard not to feel totally crappy about this one. I also need to schedule her one-year portraits and I haven't made that phone call either, even though I know my baby photog is mega popular and fills her schedule fast.  Lordy, I suck.  I missed the 9-month photos, please don't let me miss the one-year.

7.  For everyone who has asked me what Claire wants for her birthday, the answer is, "Anything a person who is 1-year-old would enjoy."  She has no further comments and I have no further time to research it.

8. I have not sent my family monthly pictures since, um, April?  And I have completely lost all of my photos from last November.  Don't even get me started on the video files.  Dude, I never thought technology would make me feel bad about myself, but that video camera does.  Every time I look at it I think of all the files inside of it that need editing and then I feel overwhelmed and I leave the room so I don't have to look at it any more.

9.  Let's turn this around though.  If you go sign up for my awesome friend Natalie's newsletter about WINE from her AWESOME WINERY, Astrale e Terra, you will be entered to win a freaking MAGNUM OF WINE.  That is a giant bottle of yummy, delicious, bad-mood-busting booze!  Natalie was nice enough to send wine to our bloggy party and, well, I love her even more for that.

Sign up!  Natalie is a clever writer and you'll like her updates.

(Plus, I don't think hundreds and hundreds of people have signed up so, you know, your chances are probably pretty good.  WORTH THE CLICK.)

11 months later, these are the things I wish people had told me when I was pregnant

Over the past 11 months I have been surprised a leeeetle too often at some of the NO DUH moments I've experienced that nobody, not a single soul, warned me about.  Thus, as a matter of public information, I present to you my very random notes.

What, exactly, does "they grow so fast" mean?

I'll admit to not having a freaking CLUE how fast Claire was going to grow.

In the first 6 months it's entirely possible to blow through THREE completely cute and teeny wardrobes that your friends and relations have spent hundreds on:

• Newborn
• 0-3 month (Yes, this is different than Newborn, even though there's a ZERO in it and ZERO would indicate Newly Born Baby (aka NEWBORN), yes?)
• 3-6 month

Claire was wearing 3-6 month clothes at 2 months.  Babies literally grow so stinking fast for the first sixth months they will be busting out of pajamas in the morning that were only sort of tight the night before.  THIS TRULY HAPPENED TO US.

People will also give you a BOATLOAD of 0-6 months clothes.  Mostly because they are so teeny and cute and irresistible in the stores.  Knowing what I do now, even I cannot resist the wee pink ruffly onesies at Nordstrom Rack for $25 to give to my friends.  I am very stupid in this regard and my mom friends probably roll their eyes when they open gifts from me, but I don't really care.  WEE PINK RUFFLY ONESIE!  SQUEEE!

Buy a couple of things that you love in the smaller range if you must, but focus on buying for that 6-12 month window.  Claire fit into this size at 5 months and she'll wear some items beyond 12 months.  For us, it's definitely the most versatile size in the first year.  She has a lot of clothes I wish I had bought in this size instead of 3-6. 

I actually didn't know that her growth would plateau so suddenly once she started getting mobile.  I voiced a concern to her doctor at month 7 when Claire hadn't packed on 2 or 3 pounds since our last visit.  I furrowed my brow.  I was gently shown the growth chart where Claire was sitting squarely at 54% - just as she had been for months.  Okay.

It also means that anything for babies, ANYTHING AT ALL, has a very limited lifespan of use.  They're only a baby for a year; after that they turn into Toddler Creatures of Destruction.

Think about it - after a year you'll be done with bottles, swaddling blankies, bouncy seats, Excer-Saucer, play mat gyms, Bumbo, Boppy, bottle drying racks, steam sterilizer, etc.  BORROW THESE THINGS.  I URGE YOU.  

(It seems so obvious, yes?  And yet...nobody mentioned this to me.)

• Bouncy seat was old news in 3 months.  (Invaluable Parenting Tool though.  MUST HAVE.)

• Hated the Bumbo entirely. 

• In and out of swaddling blankets in 4 months and then I was too scared of SIDS to give her any blanket at all once she could roll.

• The play mat gym lasted until about month 4 too, but towards the end I could tell she wasn't thrilled about being there - too many other exciting things to look at elsewhere. 

• Excersaucer lasted for 5 months.  Excellent child-containment device.

• Baby Swing only took us to month 5 as well.  There was a 6-week-period where it literally saved our lives.  My mom actually bought us a travel swing for her house, and I let her, because during that 6-week period I literally COULD NOT IMAGINE what life would be like without a swing.  I truly thought that Claire would need that swing until she was like, 5 years old.  Or at least the next month.

• See?  Sleep deprivation really can make you crazy.

No question, these items are awesome and you will have moments where you think you can't live without them, but it would be so much better to borrow the pricier ones if you can.

(Also, if you need these things?  Please speak to me and we can discussing liberating them from our attic.)

Bottles.  WTF is going on with bottles?

As a mother who planned to BF, bottles were completely confusing to me.  I just did not understand. 

My limited-exposure thoughts: 

Do not buy bottles that only hold 3.5 ounces.  You will use them for about 3 months and then, OOPS, the baby wants more than 3.5 ounces and now this bottle is useless to you after only 3 months.  FABULOUS.  I hope it is recyclable.

Maybe I missed the boat here, but I do not get why a smaller bottle is better in some cases.  Just buy the bigger ones that you can use longer; you can fill a 6 ounce bottle up halfway and it works the same.

Bottle washing:  I beg of you, PUT THEM IN THE DISHWASHER. 

Do not buy Dr. Brown's bottles unless your baby has a known problem and needs their anti-gas magical properties.  Otherwise you will wash ten million stupid bottle parts for no reason and you will sit at the sink night after night thinking, "Fuck you Dr. Brown.  Who do you think you are with your ten million bottle parts?  I HATE YOU."

(I have plans to back over my collection of Dr. Brown's bottles and film it for the entire internet to see their crumpled destruction.  This is the level of my hatred.)

Dresses: they are so cute, but please buy then in sizes 12 months +

Before the kid is walking, dresses are a pain in the ass.  On a newborn they look silly because, let's be honest, newborns are the cutest naked (with a diaper) wrapped in a soft blankie so you can look at their teeny belly and toes any time you like. 

When she starts crawling, the dress is just mean - her knees will catch on it and pull the dress down from her neck.  She'll trip up on it and get mad and then you'll spend all damn afternoon gathering it up and tucking it into her bloomers.  (Yay, another thing to look after.)

But when she starts to walk?  OH MY!  Dresses are super cute now!

Obvs, go for a dress for special occasions and parties, but the play dress?  Save it for later.  Buy 12 months and up for maximum utility.

Size 1 diapers are not the smallest diapers.  You'll need to buy some NEWBORN ones.

I figured it out when we brought her home from the hospital.    It's logical that ONE is the lowest number, so it's the smallest diaper, right?  ONE IS FOR NEW BABIES. YES?

Wrong.  You need "Newborn" diapers.  But only buy one pack because if you have a giant, ten-pound kid you'll skip right up to size one anyway.

You don't really need a diaper bag.  Just a really big purse.  A diaper bag will make you feel frumpy.

There's nothing that says HEY! I'M A MOMMY AND I MIGHT HAVE POOP UNDER MY FINGERNAILS! like a big old diaper bag with a giant dolly clipped to it.  I have a couple that were marketed for this purpose, and while all the pockets are nice, I tend to just toss some diapers, toys and wipes in my gigantic Coach bag that I used to take to work.

We're never out of the house for longer than 3 or 4 hours and that's enough to get us through.  A giant diaper bag is heavy and I already have a 20-something pound baby.  I don't need more crap to carry. 

The very concept of needing a specific purse to carry diapers and toys is definitely Marketing Trickery of the Highest Order.

Buy five cheap tank tops from Old Navy before you deliver.  Maybe ten.  And some cheap yoga pants.

Wear them the first four months.  Do not wear anything you care about wearing again in the future during this window of time.  Your baby will throw up often and unexpectedly and it will stain.  You need some things you won't feel any guilt over when you throw them away.

***

Anything else that you felt the baby books left out?

The story about Claire's first football game. All two minutes of it.

Labor Day weekend started early for us on Thursday.  I love taking time off during the week and just staying at home doing nothing.  It feels so frivolously luxurious to take time off, have no plans and eat cheeseburgers.

We went for a run in the morning.  This is QUITE unusual since I refuse to do this if it's hotter than 90 degrees.  The brutal summer heat seems to be breaking, so I leashed up the dog and off we went. Of course, Jake was a total pain in the ass.  He is old, can't see or hear as well and walking next to or in front of the stroller at a consistent pace is just BEYOND his capabilities as man's best friend at this point in his life.

It's ok though.  We love him anyway.  He came with us on the first half mile then we dropped him off at the house and continued on.  He was tired but obviously completely thrilled that we went on a WALK!  WAAAAAALK!  WALKWALKWALKWALK!!

After we got cleaned up, we hit the local hamburger shop for some lunch.  Claire discovered lids.  She likes them.  (Also a moment of: Why Do We Even Bother Buying Toys?)

That night, Claire threw a gigantic, humongous fit if I dared to tell her that she could not play with and LICK my flip flops.  Flip flops that I wear to dirty WAL-MART for crying out loud.  Obviously, these are totally inappropriate for her to gnaw on and many tears were shed since I refused to give in and hand over the dirty shoe.  (Responsible parenting at its best, people!)

Everything turned around once she found the chairs on wheels in the kitchen.  She merrily pushed them back and forth all day long, at a speed that was both alarming and impressive.

(Also?  These monkey pajamas?  Are my New Favorite Thing.  They're so funny.)

On Friday, we loaded up the family and flew to College Station for the season opener of Fightin' Texas Aggie Football.  The last time we took Claire flying she refused to wear her headset.  I thought it might have been a fluke, but it turns out not. 

As soon as she saw the earmuffs she looked at them as if they were a Giant Black Monster That Eats Baby Heads (OH MY!).  I still tried to cram them on her wildly moving head.  I figured that maybe once she saw how quiet they made things, it might be ok.

Nope.  She refused to have anything to do with them and actually, she preferred that they be removed from her direct line of sight.  She sat in the plane for an hour without ear protection.  It's not that loud in there, but still, it's THE POINT.  I cannot be responsible for damaging her precious little ears.  (I can comfortably sit without earmuffs on, but I'd rather wear them so I can talk to Chris and hear the radio.) I have an appointment with Google to figure out how other parents do this; we can't be the only people with this problem.  (The answer to "how to best protect a toddler's ears in your personal aircraft" is likely on a website called Truly First World Parenting Problems.)

When my parents bought our season tickets in January, Claire was a mere 3 months old.  In the spirit of all-inclusiveness and not radically changing our lives just because we have a baby, my parents and I agreed to buy Claire a season ticket and we'd evaluate whether she'd be attending games this fall when the time came.  At least we'd have the option.

Truly, we had no idea what sort of kid she would turn out to be.  We didn't know if she'd be walking by football season, when bedtime would be or what sorts of things made her happy or mad.  It was all a big mystery.  (Really, you could call the entire experience of being a parent that: A Big Mystery.)

So last weekend when we had to make a choice about whether she'd be attending her first Aggie Football game or not, we decided to go for it.  We take Claire to a lot of places and she does just fine.  She's generally a flexible kid who enjoys seeing new things.  As long as we make time for her to get some naps and keep her belly full, she rolls with it.

This is why we weren't all that concerned about taking her to the game.  I was a little hesitant since it was a 6pm kickoff (bedtime is 630 for her), but she has been known to stay up late and party with the proper motivation.  We figured that the worst case scenario was that she would be wiggly or tired and someone might have to go sit with her on the concourse and let her run around or fall asleep.

Neither of these things happened.

Claire fell asleep in her stroller on the way to the stadium.  We parked the stroller in the designated area and I put her in a sling.  I figured maybe she'd just stay asleep, tucked nicely next to me in a safe spot.  Instead, Claire woke up and sleepily waved to everyone as we walked up the ramps.  She smiled and waved and laid her head on my chest.  It was cute.  I was feeling good about this.  We were going to be Impressive Parents!  People would smile at us and wonder How Do They Do It?  YES!  WE ARE AMAZING PARENTS!  Claire was going to retain her title as Best Baby EVER!

Um, that didn't really happen. 

When people started applauding (which is like, every 90 seconds at pre-game for the home opener), she flipped out.  Completely.  Flipped.  Out.  She did the open-mouthed silent scream.  Her entire body vibrated in fear.  She was frightened and scared and more distressed than I'd ever seen her.  She started screaming in a guttural, undulating way, all the while looking up at me like, "Stop this.  Make it stop!  I am so scared Mommy!"

My reaction was completely visceral.  I knew we had to leave immediately.  My baby was frightened and we needed to go.  So we left.  We left our seats not two minutes after we'd arrived in them.  We walked across campus to a friend's home.  I put her to bed. 

Claire will not be attending any more football games this year.  I feel kind of dumb that it never even crossed our minds that the noise might frighten her.  We thought it might wake her up or she might want to explore, but we didn't count on the atmosphere scaring the everliving DAYLIGHTS out of her.

So, Claire's first trip to Aggieland was good, but it turns out she's not ready for football.  We'll try next year. 

Conclusion:  So, THAT'S why I've never seen a one-year-old at a football game.  Huh.
 
***

This is me and my HELLO FOOTBALL SEASON I MISSED YOU SO adult beverage.

Chris really hates this big bow, but I kind of love it.



Here we are, mere moments from The Scary Meltdown in the stadium.





The next day we went to Central Market to pick up some supplies and I snapped The Best Photo Ever of Claire in the grocery store.  Please note that Claire isn't wearing any PANTS, because her father didn't think they were necessary.

(Personally, I think Claire is of an age where she should be wearing both pants AND shoes in public.  What do you guys think?  What's the age cut off for pants and shoes on a kid before people start giving you Looks?)



And then on Sunday we went over to Jennie's house for her fabulous housewarming party.  her new house is so, so, so cute.  Claire got to meet Kyle, and while there wasn't a lot of interactive playing going on, Claire enjoyed Kyle's toys.  I think Kyle was thinking something like, "Duuuuuude.  This girl is like, ALL OVER THE PLACE."  She was standing up a lot and showing off her new moves.  Two days later she was full-on walking.



Thus concludes this post with Far Too Many Pictures.